Taming the Muse Prompt 20, BoaS Part 5, Realisation, BtVS, PG

[thismaz]

I've had a really heavy week, so I haven't even started reading last week's stories yet. I will, though! I always do. I'm off to do the shopping thing with my sister now. But I'll be back tomorrow - ready to read and comment. Honest!

Title: Realisation
Part 5 of the Blood on a Sundial series.
Fandom: BtVS
Prompt: #20 - Pygmy
Previous parts, in reverse order, are here or in my memories.
At: tamingthemuse
Disclaimer: here.
Rating: Pg
Note: I've still not got a title for this series.
Word Count: 1,527





5. Realisation

Xander lay on his bed, wondering at what point his life had gone so wrong. Ampata had been the embodiment of all his teenage dreams - exotic, beautiful, mysteriously foreign, and she'd liked him. That look she gifted him with, half admiring, half mischievous flirtation, had bowled his already bowled over ass... over again. It couldn't have all been an act. She hadn't taken one look at him and seen him as fruit, ripe for the picking. Had she? Did he really have that sign on his forehead - the one he always suspected was there? The one that said 'loser'.

Maybe it was just that he was the only guy in the Scooby Gang (you couldn't count Giles) and the Scooby Gang always got caught up with the evil. Was that why she had chosen him? His brain refused to accept that. But it seemed too much, to think it was just bad luck, over and over. He felt like his whole life was screwed lately. A quiet summer had been followed by non-stop badness, and then he got kidnapped by Spike and almost hung by the neck until he was dead. (Thank goodness for Buffy!)

He paused in his mental harangue to reassess that thought. Okay, so maybe the Scoobies went looking for the evil and he just got... got. But not this time! This time they were meant to have a nice, normal foreign exchange experience. But Buffy ended up with a murdered boy and a South American Mummy? And he ended up with a broken heart. It was wrong! Besides anything else, why couldn't Cordelia pick the evil short straw for once?

The mournful strains from his CD player came to an end and the shrill call of the telephone split the resultant silence. Without looking, he lifted the receiver, put it down again to kill the call, then dropped it on the bed next to him. He reached out his other hand and hit replay. He didn't want to talk to anyone and his parents, at least, respected that. But Willow was never able to leave well enough alone. He knew how the conversation would go - Willow would ask him if he was okay and he'd say 'yes'. But he wasn't okay and he didn't want to be okay. He wanted to wallow. He wanted to grieve. Even if he didn't really know what he was grieving for. For Ampata? For himself? For his own lost dreams? Maybe it was time to change the CD. It was a bad sign when he started getting poetic.

Willow wanted to apologise. She wanted to take the blame for their argument and hear that he forgave her. But it wasn't her fault and he knew it. He'd been looking for it. He knew her buttons and he knew how to push them.

He was just so mad at the injustice of it all! There should be a rule about the victim not turning into the monster. Abused children shouldn't grow up to be abusers and murdered girls shouldn't turn into life sucking demons. He sighed. He knew it was stupid, but he really didn't need Willow pointing it out, being all logical and academic about it. Like Ampata hadn't been a real girl, with real feelings and real dreams - as well as being a life sucking demon.

When Giles gave them a lift home last night, they were all pretty depressed. This morning, when he got up, the emotional load had not been magically lifted from his heart. He dragged himself to school, unimpressed by the bright skies and the cheerful shouts of his fellow students. He feigned a sudden interest in the psychology of Romeo's and Juliette's doomed love during first period, just because he didn't want to face Willow's and Buffy's sympathy. But as they left class he was surrounded, Willow taking up position on one side of him and Buffy closing in on the other.

With a free period, they did what they always did and headed for the library. The girls chatted across him, about love and doomed romances, and he was grateful to them for acting as a buffer between himself and the rest of the world. Just outside the library doors a change in the tone of Willow's voice caught his attention. It was hushed and concerned and he turned to her, thinking she was addressing him. "What?" he asked, pulling himself back to the real world of gradually emptying corridors and slamming classroom doors.

She looked up at him in surprise. "Xan-der," she admonished. "Where've you been?" and she smacked him lightly on the arm. "I just asked Buffy how Angel's doing? You know, with the broken bones." She spoke across him again, her voice once more sympathetic. "Is he walking yet? Did you find a source of blood?"

Buffy grinned. "Oh yeah! Nurse Buffy to the rescue, with a good supply of human blood, full of all the vitamins and minerals a healing vampire needs."

Xander was amazed. "You're giving him human blood? What do you do, go pick up stray people and take them over so Angel can have a quick bite? Do you arrange them a cab home, afterwards?" He knew he'd failed to hit the comedy note. He knew it had come over more as snark, than joking, but he didn't care. Willow gave him an odd look as she pushed open the doors.

They walked into the library just as Giles was coming down the stairs from the stacks. At sight of them, he smiled. "Willow, hello. Xander, how are you?"

Xander opened his mouth to reply, but just then Giles spotted Buffy, as she walked around Xander, and his face and voice both softened with concern. "Buffy, How are you? How's Angel? Is he responding to... treatment?"

It was too much. "Angel, Angel, Angel. Who the hell cares how he is?"

Buffy stopped and turned to confront him, blocking his passage. "I care," she said. "I care about Angel and he cares about me. He cares about us."

"Angel's an emotional pygmy. If Angel cares about anything, it's Angel."

"Xander!" Willow was becoming repetitive in her scolding. "You shouldn't say things like that." She paused for a moment, apparently thinking about why he shouldn't say such things. "It's racist," she said.

Xander snapped. "What?" he asked. "I'm insulting the pygmies of America? Come on, Willow. Get a life!"

Thankfully, Giles interrupted, preventing any response Willow might have made. "Please? Can we focus on business?" He turned away from them. "Buffy, have you had any sightings of Spike?"

Buffy shook her head. "No, I'll go back to the warehouse, but I don't expect to find them."

Giles took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Yes, well, best to be certain, I suppose. You go and have a look tonight and report back. If they've moved on it could be difficult to find them again, but there is always a chance."

Buffy nodded her agreement while Xander stood where she had stopped him, gazing around at the faces of his friends. So it was... what? Business as usual? Like Ampata had never been there. Like she had never smiled at him, or sat with him and laughed as she ate a Twinkie. Like she didn't matter? Like what he felt for her didn't matter.... Like they hadn't deposited the desiccated body of the real Ampata on the edge of the hospital grounds, where it was sure be found.

He hitched his book bag on his shoulder and turned towards the doors. "Okay, Guys. That's great. I'll see you later. I have to...."

As he pushed through the doors, back into the corridor, he heard Willow calling, "Xander, what's wrong?" But he ignored her.

He found a quiet corner of the sports field to hide out and spent the rest of the day doing... nothing. He couldn't face them. Even when the final bell rang and the school started to empty, amid shouts and the roaring of engines, he didn't move.

That had been his mistake. Because, of course Willow found him. She knew his spots, just as he knew her buttons.

She tried to be sympathetic, but since she didn't seem to know what she was supposed to be sympathising with, she didn't do so well. Eventually he challenged her, pouring out a full day's worth of brooding and grieving and she'd... been surprised. And then had come the snark and the snipping and eventually the recriminations, on his side, as his temper mounted in the face of her cluelessness.

Now, lying on his bed, he wondered if the Scoobies didn't suffer from their own version of 'Sunnydale blindness' and for the first time he wondered if the reason no one spoke of Jesse was because they really didn't remember him. He'd always assumed it was grief that kept them silent. And he'd done his best to respect their needs. But now he wondered. And as he lay on his bed, ballads full of heartbreak for company, he wondered why he seemed to be immune.

Next Part

Comments

[lilithbint.livejournal.com]

really nice look into Xander's mind and love the use of the prompt!

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

*G* Thank you. I could so easily hear Xander saying that.

[sparrow2000.livejournal.com]

Very nice Xander instrospection. I especially liked his thoughts about their own version of Sunnydale blindness.

Lots of really great lines

"he just got... got." That's just great!

"It was a bad sign when he started getting poetic." Hee,hee. Self awareness is a beautiful thing..

""Angel's an emotional pygmy." Great use of the prompt

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

Hey hon,
Thank you. I have to admit, I felt a bit lazy, doing the introspective thing, because that is so much easier to write. But, it's been a busy week, so I thought 'Lazy is good!' *g*

[lit-gal.livejournal.com]

This is a truly heartbreaking piece of angst. I both hate and love the idea that the girls, like everyone, have a version of Sunnydale blindness and that Xander is left, alone, remembering and feeling all this horrible stuff. Yep, I do like to see my boy suffer, and you do a beautiful job of making him hurt.

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

*looks sheepish* Sorry?
Xander is the one who sees. I wanted to build that into this series somehow and this prompt let it happen so easily.

[jans-intentions.livejournal.com]

Poor Xander. Truly the heart.

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

Yes, he is, isn't he?

[realpestilence.livejournal.com]

Emotional pygmy! Very apt description of Angel's stunted emotional range. And "Sunnydale" blindess sums up their cluelessness very well; I always thought it was strange that Xander seemed to see, feel, and react to things that the others ignored or never perceived. (Good way to keep from calling them self-involved and selfish...*coughs*)

Pesti

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

*g* Poor Angel, he was a bit limited in his emotional development. Still selfish Liam at heart.
*laughs* Yes, self-involved is one way of looking at it. But Xander was the one who sees, too. So it wasn't only their lack, that created a contrast.

[realpestilence.livejournal.com]

Selfish Liam-glad you said that! I used to watch the show and think...sure Angel's been cursed and all...but it's not like Liam was all that *nice*, back when he was human. And Liam/Angel/Angelus, whatever you want to call the entity, doesn't *learn* very easily. Not like Spike!

It's a very good point about Xander, too. It's not just the others' lack of perception (though it doesn't help); it's his greater ability to see and understand-and confront when necessary-that's part of what makes him special.

I just wish the writers had been more consistent with him. They seemed to adjust his portrayal according to the script's needs from week to week.


Pesti

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

Yes, Liam was a wastrel and his Father's lack of respect was one half of a self-fullfilling cycle. Not the cause of his behaviour. Fathers and sons. *sigh*
Spike came from an adoring mother, so he didn't have those hang ups.

I agree about Xander, in a way. But it is his very inconsistency (or flexibility) which makes him such a ripe character for fan fiction, don't you think?

[realpestilence.livejournal.com]

His very humanity is what makes some people not like him; but it's part of his appeal for me. I like that he learns from his mistakes. He seldom makes the same one twice, but that just gives him time to make new ones. *laughs* But as far as I remember, he's never gone off the deep end and decided to end the world or abandon his friends, etc, like the others have done. About the worst he did was stand Anya up at the altar & she contributed her own share of problems, needs, and unfair expectations to that relationship.

The others seem to use their almighty destinies/souls/magic/duties as excuses to act like real brats of assorted ages; Xander just...screws up, makes amends when he can,learns what he can, deals with it and keeps going.


Just like a real person.


I'm wondering if his being so "open" is why he keeps getting possessed, and why he draws demons and critters to him? Do they sense it, somehow? It was commented on the show a number of times, but never really explored as a storyline.


Maybe the fanfics are right, and he just smells good!


Pesti

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

I agree, he is very human. It is what I like about him too. He was the foil against which their powers and gifts could be measured.
No he never went off the edge, like the others. He was always there, doing what he could.
And the one time he did turn on Buffy (season 7, when they mutinied) I was actually shocked. Which shows how much I had come to take his loyalty and dependability for granted.
I like that explanation for why he got possessed so often. Can I steal it? It feels right to me, as a potential explanation.

[realpestilence.livejournal.com]

I didn't watch much of the latter seasons, too depressed over what they were doing to some of the characters. But the "mutiny" didn't really bother me; Buffy had become so remote and holier-than-thou (more Slayer-than-thou?) that I didn't really like her much any more. She kind of annoyed me at the best of times, anyway. I figure if she can't even be bothered to learn the names of the girls who are willing to fight to the death beside her, then maybe she doesn't deserve to live. Xander can only be loyal so far and then he's gotta go with who needs him/where he can be effective-he can't be Fix-it Guy alone. So I can't say it bothered me, personally.

Now, Giles teaming up with Robin to kill Spike did bother me. You'd think after all that time, Spike would have earned some leeway and the chance to explain or figure out wth? It's not like Giles & co didn't know who he was, so why would Robin's late-in-the-day bitching about "you killed my mama!" stir him up so much? Just another weird plot twist from the writers.

If you feel like you can use that idea about the possession/demon drawage, go ahead. I'm pleased at the thought.


Speaking of the last season, what do you think about the activation of the Potentials? I've seen it usually presented as a good thing, but I have run across a very few fics that point out the dangers of awakening girls around the world that they can't get to or may never find. Many of them would be killed off because they're now noticible in mystical ways; some would "wake up" crazy, like Dana; some be unable to handle their new strengths without good guidance, like Faith; some would be angry at the *unasked for* disruption of their lives. I think I've only read one fic which had Willow activating only the girls who were right there with them, who could give permission. I liked that. Can't remember which fic, though.



Pesti

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

Now, Giles teaming up with Robin to kill Spike did bother me.
Me less so. Giles was at heart a Watcher, still. Plus Angel had tortured him, so he wasn't fond of vampires in the general. When Spike was a neutered nuisance, he could put up with him, because he knew Buffy wouldn't kill him (and this was before Giles himself challenged that attitude at the end of S6, by wanting to discuss killing Dawn). But he had know from the end of S6 about Buffy having sex with Spike, and I figure that when he saw Spike gaining influence with Buffy, he fell back on instinct. Plus a bit of jealousy at being replaced as adviser, maybe.

I don't know that story. I think every story I have read that deals with the question, has some aspect of the difficulties they experience in the aftermath of the spell. Lots of Xander in Africa (or Xander back from Africa) stories have an element of that.

[texanfan.livejournal.com]

Subtle barbs, not intended as such, but felt just the same. Teenage angst without overdoing. Can't help but agree with Xander on the emotional pygmy comment. :) Very nice.

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

Teenage angst without overdoing
Thank you. Teenagers are often like young children, egocentric and unaware of others' reactions. Yet at other times they have great insight and empathy. This was just a bad day. *g*

[smwright.livejournal.com]

Apt and creative use of the prompt.

I loved Maybe it was just that he was the only guy in the Scooby Gang (you couldn't count Giles)!

he wondered why he seemed to be immune.
This reminds me of S7, the scene where Xander is talking to Dawn after she learns that she isn't a potential slayer.

Dawn: Maybe that's your power.
Xander: What?
Dawn: Seeing. Knowing.
Xander: Maybe it is. Maybe I should get a cape.

You're right. You do need a title for this series. You should do a poll!

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

*g* Thank you.
I am glad you saw that, the idea of Xander being the one who see was the reason for this little scene.
Yes, I really do need a title. *thinks* A poll, eh? *thinks some more* Hang on... But if I did a poll.... I'd have to come up with suggestions for people to choose from.... And if I could come up with suggestions, I could choose which one I liked best.... And then I wouldn't need a poll. *damn, getting dizzy from the circles* *grinning with you* You can't catch me like that. I'm on to your tricks, missy.

[smwright.livejournal.com]

You can't catch me like that. I'm on to your tricks, missy.

Just trying to help... honest. It's like flipping a coin. If you wind up disappointed with the result, then you know what you really wanted all along (even if you didn't know you knew). Of course, in your case, that's not quite the best example as you really do have to come up with choices for a poll.

All right.

How about... The Things We Do for Love...?

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

*grin*

That's nice. You're right - Spike's love for Dru, Xander's love for Ampata, and his friends.... Hmmm. Maybe. Thank you.

[qamratala.livejournal.com]

Great use of the prompt, I really liked that line.
Angel's an emotional pygmy.
Nice look into Xander.

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I am so glad you liked.

[realpestilence.livejournal.com]

I'm starting the series from the beginning, and when I came to this part I realized I've read this one before. Still feel the same way, too!

I especially like how disturbed and touched by Ampata's life and death Xander is. The fact that there was no other way for her to live, and no other way for them to deal with her and protect people, was tragic. That no one but Xander seemed to register it for more than the immediate crisis...doubly so.


And,if anything, I feel even pissier about Angel & his lugheadedness, and the general Scoobie indifference, etc. Makes me just want to smack one of 'em.

begins ranting:

I always want to point out in a "oh, xander's just jealous of Angel or being mean-spirited" scene that Angel *did* just drag him into danger by the neck with no back-up or real plan and offer him to Spike-they could have been killed. What about that time when Angel knocked Xander out and left him lying there, unconscious, where he could have been *eaten*...or just plain mugged? We're talking some actual reasons for the boy to dislike the oh, btw *vampire*, here!

:ends ranting


I like how you're depicting "early" Spike. I always loved his blend of toughness and tenderness, and his mercurial nature. I wish *he'd* been the one to get closer to the group, without the chip...



Pesti

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I just re-read it too, to remind myself. I think I probably need to re-read the whole lot, to make sure I keep my various twists and teasers in line.
You are right about Angel, he was very irresponsible in School Hard, but oh what lovely fic has come about as a result - good stories that start from the premise that Spike says, 'yes, thanks' and takes him. You rant all you wish, Angel is a good subject.
I wish *he'd* been the one to get closer to the group, without the chip... *Grin* I suspect that would have brought a sudden end to the series.
Thank you for taking the time to comment.

[realpestilence.livejournal.com]

Just re-reading some of your fics. I was struck by the mention of the real Ampata, the poor boy who was killed and pretty much forgotten. I don't think I've ever seen that before...he's more forgotten that Jesse, even (and that's pretty forgotten).



Pesti

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

Yes, the real Ampata was just a mummy in a trunk.
For TV it was convenient to not have to worry about the bodies and the aftermath. 'Swhy so many demons turned to goo, I guess. Certainly why vampires turned to dust. But Ampata was a special case and I thought it was too careless, the way they ignored him - I mean, no one sends their son to a foreign country to stay with strangers and doesn't follow up when they don't come home. Especially parents with enough money to pay for such a trip. And Buffy's Mom would be registered as his host - so where were the police? Not even blaming 'Sunnydale Police syndrome' would really work there - I would have thought Ampata's embassy would have been on the phone.
Thank you for that comment. I do enjoy your comments, they make me think.

[i-luv-trees.livejournal.com]

Poor Xan. Love in high school always seems so life-and-death (not an *intended* pun) until you grow up and gain some perspective. But the hurting is real, and shame on the gang for ignoring his pain, esp when they're concentrating on Angel, a 200+ vampire who will recover just fine, as he always does. (And I have lots of Angel-love, but sheesh, come on folks!)

Thanks for the lovely words, C

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

The girls, especially Buffy, could be very thoughtless sometimes, in the way of teenagers everywhere, I think they were just more concerned with the obvious hurts, the ones they can see. Plus there is the whole 'obsession about the love interest' thing *g*
Thanks for reading.

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

Of course Xander would be more impacted by Ampata than the rest of the gang, but you made his heart ache believable. You're not having him hide behind jokes and light banter, there's real emotion here and it's making for an intriguing read.

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

Ah, poor Xander. Yes, a moment of realisation for him. *pets Xander*
Thank you.